I've been struggling with a short attention span for the last few weeks. I have been starting projects but not finishing them. I've been having great flashes of inspiration but then not doing anything about them. I've been thinking of writing on here, and then not knowing what to write.
Whilst I adore my job, I think I would be OK with giving it up if I could afford to! People at work were talking about how they would get bored if they won the lottery and stopped working. I had to disagree. I love my summer holidays. I am able to spend my days whatever I choose, and I have lots of energy to do those things. When I'm at work I have no free time during the day (obviously!) and I'm knackered by the time the evening or the weekend comes around. I think I need to be more ruthless with my time a the weekends. I might start dedicating a certain amount of hours every Sunday to something creative.
But then life gets in the way. I get sleepy, I want to veg out all day, I put stuff off all the time!
Maybe this short post will be the spur or the guilt trip I need to push myself!
Or not?
Thursday 18 October 2012
Sunday 30 September 2012
Killing Me Softly.....
I've just got back from a Crime Writing Workshop as part of my hometown's Literature Festival. It was a small event with only 5 of us in attendance, but I'm very glad I paid my money and went along!
I was worried that the event was going to be run an old and stuffy writer who would witter on about plans and plot lines and character development. In fact it was run by a really nice young girl about my age (late 20s/early 30s...is that still a girl?). She was nice and down to earth with a good approach to life. She talked about what she did, interspersed with other ways of doing things that her friends had tried.
My favourite part was when she said that she didn't plan out her books. She knows what her crime is going to be, who the victim and the guilty party are and then she just writes and sees what happens. I quite like the idea of that. The idea of painstakingly mapping out a whole novel and how the characters will act/behave etc seemed quite daunting, but her way of doing it seemed achievable. She also said that she writes it out long hand as she gets easily distracted on a laptop - which sounds vaguely familiar.
So I'm thinking of giving it a go. I just need to come up with the bare bones. I quite like the idea of doing an old fashioned "sleuth" type of crime novel along the lines of a Marple or a Poirot. So I need to have my Sleuth character, maybe a sidekick, the setting and the problem/crime I want them to solve before I start. Then I'm just going to kick off!
Ummmmm....this is harder than it sounds!
So I'm going to turn off the computer and get away from the distractions now!
I was worried that the event was going to be run an old and stuffy writer who would witter on about plans and plot lines and character development. In fact it was run by a really nice young girl about my age (late 20s/early 30s...is that still a girl?). She was nice and down to earth with a good approach to life. She talked about what she did, interspersed with other ways of doing things that her friends had tried.
My favourite part was when she said that she didn't plan out her books. She knows what her crime is going to be, who the victim and the guilty party are and then she just writes and sees what happens. I quite like the idea of that. The idea of painstakingly mapping out a whole novel and how the characters will act/behave etc seemed quite daunting, but her way of doing it seemed achievable. She also said that she writes it out long hand as she gets easily distracted on a laptop - which sounds vaguely familiar.
So I'm thinking of giving it a go. I just need to come up with the bare bones. I quite like the idea of doing an old fashioned "sleuth" type of crime novel along the lines of a Marple or a Poirot. So I need to have my Sleuth character, maybe a sidekick, the setting and the problem/crime I want them to solve before I start. Then I'm just going to kick off!
Ummmmm....this is harder than it sounds!
So I'm going to turn off the computer and get away from the distractions now!
Sunday 23 September 2012
Two weeks, too long, two words (I'm sorry!)
I've just checked the date of my last post....it was almost two weeks ago! I'm very disappointed in myself, but my main excuse is that I think some snotty kid has given me some sort of bug!
I've tried to make a concious effort this new school year to be more active outside of school. I fell into bad habits last year of working, eating and sleeping with very little else in between! The boyfriend and I have allocated Wednesday to each other as an unofficial "date night" - nothing scarily organised but we try to not book anything else on that night so we actually get to spend some quality time together [as a part of our trying to make a go of things again]. But the boyfriend spends at least 3 nights per week at the gym. So I needed something to do in the week myself that would stop me falling back into my bad habits. I could go to the gym...but, ummm, NO!
So I got on Google, and looked for voluntary groups in my local area. I found a weird one called the Ladies Circle, which started as a sister group to the Round Table. I popped along to my first meeting on Tuesday and it was really cool. It was a group of local women who raise some money for local charities and in between arrange one-off social events for entertainment. It sounds really boring, old-fashioned and "pearls and jam-making" but actually it is nothing like that! In fact I'm off rock-climbing in two weeks time, which I'm kind of dreading and looking forward to at the same time!
I think it is going to be good for me on a personal level though. I need to have more contact with people who aren't teachers! Teachers are a weird bunch and we tend to have the same type of heavy political conversations no matter where you put us!
I've tried to make a concious effort this new school year to be more active outside of school. I fell into bad habits last year of working, eating and sleeping with very little else in between! The boyfriend and I have allocated Wednesday to each other as an unofficial "date night" - nothing scarily organised but we try to not book anything else on that night so we actually get to spend some quality time together [as a part of our trying to make a go of things again]. But the boyfriend spends at least 3 nights per week at the gym. So I needed something to do in the week myself that would stop me falling back into my bad habits. I could go to the gym...but, ummm, NO!
So I got on Google, and looked for voluntary groups in my local area. I found a weird one called the Ladies Circle, which started as a sister group to the Round Table. I popped along to my first meeting on Tuesday and it was really cool. It was a group of local women who raise some money for local charities and in between arrange one-off social events for entertainment. It sounds really boring, old-fashioned and "pearls and jam-making" but actually it is nothing like that! In fact I'm off rock-climbing in two weeks time, which I'm kind of dreading and looking forward to at the same time!
I think it is going to be good for me on a personal level though. I need to have more contact with people who aren't teachers! Teachers are a weird bunch and we tend to have the same type of heavy political conversations no matter where you put us!
Tuesday 11 September 2012
I forgot how sweet newbies could be!
Today was my first day of teaching for the school year. Although I went back last week, the kids didn't start back until yesterday and the first day is always 'off-timetable' for baseline testing. So I got to spend yesterday with my form group...this should be a settling in day as you get to know your new form for the year, but I've got the same group as last year so we're already acquainted, used to each other and they are all fully "trained" to my ways!
Today, though. Today was real lessons. It is amazing that after 2 months of not teaching everyday I can slip back into it so quickly. I remember my very first day as Newly Qualified Teacher - panicking about being left on my own with a bunch of kids, with no "real" teacher for back up. I also remember starting my second year worrying that I would have forgotten everything that I knew. Not anymore, apparently I'm used to this now. I think it helps that I have a large degree of freedom in planning my topics and choosing my activities. Life is quite good [school-wise at least!].
And then the little Junior class turned up. These little tiny 9 and 10 year olds, who are being made to write with fountain pens, using full joined-up handwriting and do these big, long days. They looked so tiny! (At least in comparison to my big lumbering 16 year olds!) The simple request for them to write the date and title was an Epic saga. 8 children....8 ways of spelling September (only one of them with a capital letter). I forgot how sweet they were.
I love teaching the bigger kids. In fact, the lack of A-Level is my only regret about my job. But junior school children are just so sweet. As their science teacher I get to help them discover the reasons behind the world. Lemons that make electricity? We do that. Cabbage juice that changes colour? Yup. Splitting white light into pretty colours? Absolutely! And I love it all, just as much as the kids!
------
On a similar note....I walk through a large meadow on my way to work [I might talk about my walk in another post]. For the nicer months of the year there are cows grazing in the meadow. This morning the cows were still asleep when I got there. Did you know cows sleep curled up on the floor like cats? Seriously! It amazed me, until I tried to work out how I expected cows to sleep. Turns out I had no expectations...thought never occurred to me. You know what they say about learning something every day!
Today, though. Today was real lessons. It is amazing that after 2 months of not teaching everyday I can slip back into it so quickly. I remember my very first day as Newly Qualified Teacher - panicking about being left on my own with a bunch of kids, with no "real" teacher for back up. I also remember starting my second year worrying that I would have forgotten everything that I knew. Not anymore, apparently I'm used to this now. I think it helps that I have a large degree of freedom in planning my topics and choosing my activities. Life is quite good [school-wise at least!].
And then the little Junior class turned up. These little tiny 9 and 10 year olds, who are being made to write with fountain pens, using full joined-up handwriting and do these big, long days. They looked so tiny! (At least in comparison to my big lumbering 16 year olds!) The simple request for them to write the date and title was an Epic saga. 8 children....8 ways of spelling September (only one of them with a capital letter). I forgot how sweet they were.
I love teaching the bigger kids. In fact, the lack of A-Level is my only regret about my job. But junior school children are just so sweet. As their science teacher I get to help them discover the reasons behind the world. Lemons that make electricity? We do that. Cabbage juice that changes colour? Yup. Splitting white light into pretty colours? Absolutely! And I love it all, just as much as the kids!
------
On a similar note....I walk through a large meadow on my way to work [I might talk about my walk in another post]. For the nicer months of the year there are cows grazing in the meadow. This morning the cows were still asleep when I got there. Did you know cows sleep curled up on the floor like cats? Seriously! It amazed me, until I tried to work out how I expected cows to sleep. Turns out I had no expectations...thought never occurred to me. You know what they say about learning something every day!
Saturday 8 September 2012
I can save your life! Maybe...sorta...
This week was the first week back to work after the long summer break. We always have 4 days at the start of each term without the children, so whilst I started my term last Tuesday the kids start back this Monday. Those four days are for "preparation" officially. I like to think of them as an "easing back into things" day followed by three days of preparation.
This time though we had something fun planned for us! I got to do a one day First Aid course, which I went into quite cynically thinking this was a waste of time. To put it into perspective, we have around 120 pupils, 13 teaching staff and probably 20 support/maintenance staff as part of the school. 8 or 9 of those are qualified First Aiders who undergo a 3-4 day First Aid course every few years, so I feel we have a good level of First Aid cover. However by the first coffee break [being a teacher we take a lot of breaks during the day!] I was starting to enjoy myself and actually felt like this could be useful. You see, the Head hadn't booked this course just so everyone was a First Aider (we're still going to mainly rely on those lucky 8 or so who have lots of training), although I do think that might have been a small part of it, he just thought it might be something useful for us to have as a general skill.
So whilst I have my limits in this, I can put you into the Recovery position, administer CPR and bandage various parts of your body. Not to a magnificent standard but at least to stop you dying in front of me!
This highly useful day was then followed by a meeting in the following days where we had any grey areas in our staff policies quite firmly put into black and white again! I can see why they may need to do this from a legal standpoint, but seriously from a professional point of view I felt like I didn't really need to be told some of these things.
For example, as a teacher of children I am not allowed to add them as friends on my social networking sites. Now, who in their right mind thinks that I would want my Year 10s on my Facebook page?! Any teacher that does is insane! I am also not allowed to take photos of the pupils on my own camera and keep the photos for my own use...again seriously?! Why would I choose to do that?
These children are in my care - I care for them as their teacher in that I care about their education. There is no part of me that considers these people my friends! I met an old pupil the other day who is at University [trying to work out what to do when they graduate...ah, the good old days!] yet our conversation was still very strongly in the teacher-pupil space.
But some people obviously need these things laying out in front of them. Maybe I'm the odd one for not considering adding pupils to my Facebook. For not wanting to fill my home with the spotty oiks that make up my GCSE classes. For actually trying to maintain a professional distance between myself and these vulnerable and still developing young minds.
This time though we had something fun planned for us! I got to do a one day First Aid course, which I went into quite cynically thinking this was a waste of time. To put it into perspective, we have around 120 pupils, 13 teaching staff and probably 20 support/maintenance staff as part of the school. 8 or 9 of those are qualified First Aiders who undergo a 3-4 day First Aid course every few years, so I feel we have a good level of First Aid cover. However by the first coffee break [being a teacher we take a lot of breaks during the day!] I was starting to enjoy myself and actually felt like this could be useful. You see, the Head hadn't booked this course just so everyone was a First Aider (we're still going to mainly rely on those lucky 8 or so who have lots of training), although I do think that might have been a small part of it, he just thought it might be something useful for us to have as a general skill.
So whilst I have my limits in this, I can put you into the Recovery position, administer CPR and bandage various parts of your body. Not to a magnificent standard but at least to stop you dying in front of me!
This highly useful day was then followed by a meeting in the following days where we had any grey areas in our staff policies quite firmly put into black and white again! I can see why they may need to do this from a legal standpoint, but seriously from a professional point of view I felt like I didn't really need to be told some of these things.
For example, as a teacher of children I am not allowed to add them as friends on my social networking sites. Now, who in their right mind thinks that I would want my Year 10s on my Facebook page?! Any teacher that does is insane! I am also not allowed to take photos of the pupils on my own camera and keep the photos for my own use...again seriously?! Why would I choose to do that?
These children are in my care - I care for them as their teacher in that I care about their education. There is no part of me that considers these people my friends! I met an old pupil the other day who is at University [trying to work out what to do when they graduate...ah, the good old days!] yet our conversation was still very strongly in the teacher-pupil space.
But some people obviously need these things laying out in front of them. Maybe I'm the odd one for not considering adding pupils to my Facebook. For not wanting to fill my home with the spotty oiks that make up my GCSE classes. For actually trying to maintain a professional distance between myself and these vulnerable and still developing young minds.
Sunday 2 September 2012
Inappropriate Questions!
I have spent the last 2 days surrounded by people of varying ages and levels of intimacy. Yet I seem to be fielding the same 2 questions all the time....and have been for about 3 years!
They are very simply:
Even before the whole-world-upside-down relationship conversation with the boyfriend, marriage was never in the picture. We own a house together, we're not religious and in this modern society there is no need for us to get married for any major reason that I can think of. A marriage certificate wouldn't have stopped the relationship issues we are having now, with divorce being just as acceptable as non-marriage. Which means I now respond to question number 1 with a very short, no nonsense "Never!". This I feel gets the message across without opening up the possibility of any further discussion. If anybody does choose to go further with a "why not?" I often just respond with a "why should I?" and that again ends that conversation.
But Question 2 is the one that really gets my goat! Before my boyfriend broke my heart, I was thinking in terms of "are we ready to have children?" but that was a very complicated question. The answer needed to cover if 'we' were ready as a couple in terms of our relationship, if 'we' were ready as a couple in terms of being responsible enough to grow up and be 100% trustworthy and relied upon for everything and also if I was ready to mess about with my health for the possibility of having a child.
I have a weird health condition that I may or may not go into later. At its worst it puts my eyesight at risk unless I take very high dosages of very horrible medication. At the moment, my eyesight is stable and not at risk but only because I take high-ish dosages of the horrible medication. This medication means that I have to have regular kidney and liver function tests and before my Doctor would even hand over the tablets she made me go on the most reliable form of contraception she could find due to the high chance of birth defects if I conceive whilst taking the medication. Before I even considered getting pregnant I would have to come off this medication, putting my eyesight [and other things] at risk and possibly forcing myself to undergo regular lumbar punctures to maintain my vision.
Reading that last paragraph back it sounds ridiculous...so how am I supposed to explain this to people over a coffee without completely freaking them out? I generally don't. I go with the happy lie that is "I'm not sure if I want them yet" and then make a joke about my friend X putting me off children for a few years. But why should I have to lie and be uncomfortable just because people have this idea they can ask highly personal questions?
I have a good friend who got married a few years ago, who often gets asked about children. Now the honest answer is that she has been trying to conceive since her honeymoon but struggles to maintain a pregnancy. She can get pregnant but often loses the baby before the 8 week mark, and has kept 3 until around the 10-11 week mark when she has again lost them. How should she answer the question? Honestly? With a convenient lie? Why should she have to make that decision? Should she have to explain her medical journey to you, the woman she met out shopping with her Mother?
This is one of the few things that I know I am not a hypocrite about! [I know I can be slightly hypocritical about other issues, but can't we all!] I never ask people when they are getting married, unless they mention an actual wedding themselves. And "why don't you have children yet?", "are you thinking about children?" or other children-questions.....I keep my thoughts, opinions and nosiness to myself!
{rant over!}
They are very simply:
- When are you going to get married?
- Why don't you have any children yet?
Even before the whole-world-upside-down relationship conversation with the boyfriend, marriage was never in the picture. We own a house together, we're not religious and in this modern society there is no need for us to get married for any major reason that I can think of. A marriage certificate wouldn't have stopped the relationship issues we are having now, with divorce being just as acceptable as non-marriage. Which means I now respond to question number 1 with a very short, no nonsense "Never!". This I feel gets the message across without opening up the possibility of any further discussion. If anybody does choose to go further with a "why not?" I often just respond with a "why should I?" and that again ends that conversation.
But Question 2 is the one that really gets my goat! Before my boyfriend broke my heart, I was thinking in terms of "are we ready to have children?" but that was a very complicated question. The answer needed to cover if 'we' were ready as a couple in terms of our relationship, if 'we' were ready as a couple in terms of being responsible enough to grow up and be 100% trustworthy and relied upon for everything and also if I was ready to mess about with my health for the possibility of having a child.
I have a weird health condition that I may or may not go into later. At its worst it puts my eyesight at risk unless I take very high dosages of very horrible medication. At the moment, my eyesight is stable and not at risk but only because I take high-ish dosages of the horrible medication. This medication means that I have to have regular kidney and liver function tests and before my Doctor would even hand over the tablets she made me go on the most reliable form of contraception she could find due to the high chance of birth defects if I conceive whilst taking the medication. Before I even considered getting pregnant I would have to come off this medication, putting my eyesight [and other things] at risk and possibly forcing myself to undergo regular lumbar punctures to maintain my vision.
Reading that last paragraph back it sounds ridiculous...so how am I supposed to explain this to people over a coffee without completely freaking them out? I generally don't. I go with the happy lie that is "I'm not sure if I want them yet" and then make a joke about my friend X putting me off children for a few years. But why should I have to lie and be uncomfortable just because people have this idea they can ask highly personal questions?
I have a good friend who got married a few years ago, who often gets asked about children. Now the honest answer is that she has been trying to conceive since her honeymoon but struggles to maintain a pregnancy. She can get pregnant but often loses the baby before the 8 week mark, and has kept 3 until around the 10-11 week mark when she has again lost them. How should she answer the question? Honestly? With a convenient lie? Why should she have to make that decision? Should she have to explain her medical journey to you, the woman she met out shopping with her Mother?
This is one of the few things that I know I am not a hypocrite about! [I know I can be slightly hypocritical about other issues, but can't we all!] I never ask people when they are getting married, unless they mention an actual wedding themselves. And "why don't you have children yet?", "are you thinking about children?" or other children-questions.....I keep my thoughts, opinions and nosiness to myself!
{rant over!}
Thursday 30 August 2012
The Truth Hurts
So, last night I spoke to my boyfriend about my feelings regarding the whole "give it a go" thing we have going on with our relationship. It was tough to start the conversation because I knew I was going to be saying things that would be hurtful to him. But then I knew that if I held it all in then we would never get anywhere.
I told him that I didn't think he was actually putting any effort into our relationship, and that if he took the effort he puts into seeing his friends and arranging his gym schedule and gave me just 5% of that effort then it would be a huge improvement. He was definitely shocked. I don't think he realised that I felt so under-appreciated. So we had a serious chat and now I actually feel a little better. I don't feel so worthless in his eyes anymore. I think being a bitch for 2 minutes was worth it for him to see that the effort needs to come from both of us. But, man, the truth hurts!
Who knew life could go downhill so fast? A few months ago I was thinking of whether we were ready for children....now I'm trying to work out if I'll still be with him when my next haircut is due!
We're now going to try and move ahead, with actual effort from both sides. My plan is to try and carry on as normal with just an eye on making sure I don't take him for granted. If I'm not good enough for him like I am then that is how it is. I can't pretend to be someone different, I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty alright!
----
As I've been trying to figure my way through this mess, I may have done some Googling for advice. There are some right wankers on the internet! I got slightly distracted by the bad advice and lost track of my own Googling.
My current favourite [or least favourite, not sure?] was a website where a girl had emailed in to say that her boyfriend was losing interest in her and they hadn't been having much sex recently. The answer started off with a great statement about how the main problem was that she was having sex with her boyfriend. Pre-marital sex was obviously the only problem to deal with! It was an actual blog though, where they had obviously taken her email and then written a whole blog post about it. If they didn't agree with premarital sex then they could have just ignored the email, but no off they go to post about how her whole relationship problem could be boiled down to the fact they were having sex before marriage!
I told him that I didn't think he was actually putting any effort into our relationship, and that if he took the effort he puts into seeing his friends and arranging his gym schedule and gave me just 5% of that effort then it would be a huge improvement. He was definitely shocked. I don't think he realised that I felt so under-appreciated. So we had a serious chat and now I actually feel a little better. I don't feel so worthless in his eyes anymore. I think being a bitch for 2 minutes was worth it for him to see that the effort needs to come from both of us. But, man, the truth hurts!
Who knew life could go downhill so fast? A few months ago I was thinking of whether we were ready for children....now I'm trying to work out if I'll still be with him when my next haircut is due!
We're now going to try and move ahead, with actual effort from both sides. My plan is to try and carry on as normal with just an eye on making sure I don't take him for granted. If I'm not good enough for him like I am then that is how it is. I can't pretend to be someone different, I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty alright!
----
As I've been trying to figure my way through this mess, I may have done some Googling for advice. There are some right wankers on the internet! I got slightly distracted by the bad advice and lost track of my own Googling.
My current favourite [or least favourite, not sure?] was a website where a girl had emailed in to say that her boyfriend was losing interest in her and they hadn't been having much sex recently. The answer started off with a great statement about how the main problem was that she was having sex with her boyfriend. Pre-marital sex was obviously the only problem to deal with! It was an actual blog though, where they had obviously taken her email and then written a whole blog post about it. If they didn't agree with premarital sex then they could have just ignored the email, but no off they go to post about how her whole relationship problem could be boiled down to the fact they were having sex before marriage!
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