Inappropriate Questions!

I have spent the last 2 days surrounded by people of varying ages and levels of intimacy. Yet I seem to be fielding the same 2 questions all the time....and have been for about 3 years!

They are very simply:

1. When are you going to get married?
2. Why don't you have any children yet?

Now, I'm 29 and have a fairly stable job [in so far as any job is stable] and to the outside world me and the boyfriend are in a solid 12 year relationship [you dear readers, if you even exist, know that it is a little shaky at the moment but nevertheless!]. So I can see why this is a logical question for people to be thinking about, but when did it become OK to just outright ask it?

Even before the whole-world-upside-down relationship conversation with the boyfriend, marriage was never in the picture. We own a house together, we're not religious and in this modern society there is no need for us to  get married for any major reason that I can think of. A marriage certificate wouldn't have stopped the relationship issues we are having now, with divorce being just as acceptable as non-marriage. Which means I now respond to question number 1 with a very short, no nonsense "Never!". This I feel gets the message across without opening up the possibility of any further discussion. If anybody does choose to go further with a "why not?" I often just respond with a "why should I?" and that again ends that conversation.

But Question 2 is the one that really gets my goat! Before my boyfriend broke my heart, I was thinking in terms of "are we ready to have children?" but that was a very complicated question. The answer needed to cover if 'we' were ready as a couple in terms of our relationship, if 'we' were ready as a couple in terms of being responsible enough to grow up and be 100% trustworthy and relied upon for everything and also if I was ready to mess about with my health for the possibility of having a child.

I have a weird health condition that I may or may not go into later. At its worst it puts my eyesight at risk unless I take very high dosages of very horrible medication. At the moment, my eyesight is stable and not at risk but only because I take high-ish dosages of the horrible medication. This medication means that I have to have regular kidney and liver function tests and before my Doctor would even hand over the tablets she made me go on the most reliable form of contraception she could find due to the high chance of birth defects if I conceive whilst taking the medication. Before I even considered getting pregnant I would have to come off this medication, putting my eyesight [and other things] at risk and possibly forcing myself to undergo regular lumbar punctures to maintain my vision.

Reading that last paragraph back it sounds ridiculous...so how am I supposed to explain this to people over a coffee without completely freaking them out? I generally don't. I go with the happy lie that is "I'm not sure if I want them yet" and then make a joke about my friend X putting me off children for a few years. But why should I have to lie and be uncomfortable just because people have this idea they can ask highly personal questions?

I have a good friend who got married a few years ago, who often gets asked about children. Now the honest answer is that she has been trying to conceive since her honeymoon but struggles to maintain a pregnancy. She can get pregnant but often loses the baby before the 8 week mark, and has kept 3 until around the 10-11 week mark when she has again lost them. How should she answer the question? Honestly? With a convenient lie? Why should she have to make that decision? Should she have to explain her medical journey to you, the woman she met out shopping with her Mother?

This is one of the few things that I know I am not a hypocrite about! [I know I can be slightly hypocritical about other issues, but can't we all!] I never ask people when they are getting married, unless they mention an actual wedding themselves. And "why don't you have children yet?", "are you thinking about children?" or other children-questions.....I keep my thoughts, opinions and nosiness to myself!

{rant over!}