The Truth Hurts

So, last night I spoke to my boyfriend about my feelings regarding the whole "give it a go" thing we have going on with our relationship. It was tough to start the conversation because I knew I was going to be saying things that would be hurtful to him. But then I knew that if I held it all in then we would never get anywhere.

I told him that I didn't think he was actually putting any effort into our relationship, and that if he took the effort he puts into seeing his friends and arranging his gym schedule and gave me just 5% of that effort then it would be a huge improvement. He was definitely shocked. I don't think he realised that I felt so under-appreciated. So we had a serious chat and now I actually feel a little better. I don't feel so worthless in his eyes anymore. I think being a bitch for 2 minutes was worth it for him to see that the effort needs to come from both of us. But, man, the truth hurts!

Who knew life could go downhill so fast? A few months ago I was thinking of whether we were ready for children....now I'm trying to work out if I'll still be with him when my next haircut is due!

We're now going to try and move ahead, with actual effort from both sides. My plan is to try and carry on as normal with just an eye on making sure I don't take him for granted. If I'm not good enough for him like I am then that is how it is. I can't pretend to be someone different, I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty alright!

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As I've been trying to figure my way through this mess, I may have done some Googling for advice. There are some right wankers on the internet! I got slightly distracted by the bad advice and lost track of my own Googling.

My current favourite [or least favourite, not sure?] was a website where a girl had emailed in to say that her boyfriend was losing interest in her and they hadn't been having much sex recently. The answer started off with a great statement about how the main problem was that she was having sex with her boyfriend. Pre-marital sex was obviously the only problem to deal with! It was an actual blog though, where they had obviously taken her email and then written a whole blog post about it. If they didn't agree with premarital sex then they could have just ignored the email, but no off they go to post about how her whole relationship problem could be boiled down to the fact they were having sex before marriage!

The First Post

So this is the first post. I'm not even sure what the whole blog will be about, but the idea of having somewhere to put down my thoughts really appealed to me.

I'm having a tough time at the moment as my boyfriend of twelve years told me last week he is having doubts about our relationship. He feels we have lost the spark we had at the beginning of our relationship, but doesn't want to end things because he wants to get back to how we were before.

This seems like a great idea, but I don't feel any different to how I felt before...he is still the love of my life and I feel 'right' when he's around and miss him when he's gone. So now I'm stuck in this weird situation where I'm doubting everything about 'us' and feel like a clingy, desperate girlfriend every time I kiss him, hug him or hold his hand in public. I feel like I need to impress him and prove my worth to him again...which is pathetic because I'm not that type of person in any other situation.

I also have no idea how long we're going to give it a go for, so I can't make plans for the future at all. His sister is due to have a baby in November and I have no idea if we will still be together then, or of he will have decided it's not worth it by then. So my excitement at welcoming this new baby into my life and heart is now stunted by this weird feeling of insecurity. I don't want to get attached to this little boy only for him to be ripped out of my life a few months later.

I should be able to tell somebody all of this. But my boyfriend looks in pain any time we have a conversation about this, because he feels guilty about putting me through this. My pride also stops me from telling anyone else as I don't want other people to judge me [for not being good enough], or to judge the boyfriend for feeling like this.

So, I'm off to feed the cats now, whilst I wait for the boyfriend to return from work and then try and have a nice evening where I try to both act like everything is alright and impress upon him somehow that we still have some thing.

I'll try to make my next post a little less pathetic!

Kx