The First Post

So this is the first post. I'm not even sure what the whole blog will be about, but the idea of having somewhere to put down my thoughts really appealed to me.

I'm having a tough time at the moment as my boyfriend of twelve years told me last week he is having doubts about our relationship. He feels we have lost the spark we had at the beginning of our relationship, but doesn't want to end things because he wants to get back to how we were before.

This seems like a great idea, but I don't feel any different to how I felt before...he is still the love of my life and I feel 'right' when he's around and miss him when he's gone. So now I'm stuck in this weird situation where I'm doubting everything about 'us' and feel like a clingy, desperate girlfriend every time I kiss him, hug him or hold his hand in public. I feel like I need to impress him and prove my worth to him again...which is pathetic because I'm not that type of person in any other situation.

I also have no idea how long we're going to give it a go for, so I can't make plans for the future at all. His sister is due to have a baby in November and I have no idea if we will still be together then, or of he will have decided it's not worth it by then. So my excitement at welcoming this new baby into my life and heart is now stunted by this weird feeling of insecurity. I don't want to get attached to this little boy only for him to be ripped out of my life a few months later.

I should be able to tell somebody all of this. But my boyfriend looks in pain any time we have a conversation about this, because he feels guilty about putting me through this. My pride also stops me from telling anyone else as I don't want other people to judge me [for not being good enough], or to judge the boyfriend for feeling like this.

So, I'm off to feed the cats now, whilst I wait for the boyfriend to return from work and then try and have a nice evening where I try to both act like everything is alright and impress upon him somehow that we still have some thing.

I'll try to make my next post a little less pathetic!

Kx